If a man is able to make decisions, take responsibility in a difficult situation - of course, this characterizes him on the positive side. However, the strength of character often hides a home tyrant and despot.
How to behave with an aggressive husband: to endure his attacks or once and for all to break off a relationship? What to do if you did not recognize these tendencies in the chosen one before the wedding? First, let's figure out what aggression is.
This is a destructive motivated behavior that causes harm to people, objects and the environment. This is not always physical violence. Victims of aggression experience moral discomfort, fear, and negative emotions from negative moral influences.
Signs of a Home Tyrant
Recognizing a husband-aggressor in a happy bridegroom is not easy. Unfortunately, there is a type of men who do not tolerate objections and, for the slightest reason, break out in swearing or begin to dissolve their hands.
Anyone who recently swore to you eternal love, can "treat" savory slap in the face or even beat. In fact, recognizing an aggressive person is easy. Just a woman blinded by love acts like a Pushkin hero: "I am glad to be deceived myself."
The following signs will help to recognize a potential tyrant:
- drug abuse or drunkenness with poorly developed intelligence. A state of intoxication promotes aggression: this is an elementary truth,
- tendency to resolve disputes with fists. Be sure that your chosen one will transfer this behavioral stereotype to family relationships,
- upbringing. If a potential spouse grew up in a family where an authoritarian father rules everything, then most likely he will behave the same with you. Pay attention to his statements about women. Constant criticism and talk of "lower beings obligated to obey" betrays the future abuser,
- men who served in hot spots are also at risk. It is impossible to bear what they had to endure without harming the psyche.
Verbal aggression is swearing, threats, evil jokes and remarks, statements in a derogatory form. Of course, words, no matter how evil or offensive they may be, are not capable of causing physical damage.
However, listening to them is insulting and unpleasant. Moral suffering is no better than physical suffering. Even “affectionate” and “harmless” home nicknames can carry offensive implications.
For example, if a man calls his wife “Donut”, “Piglet” or “Puffy”, then the wife often takes it personally, thinking that her husband has stopped loving her because she has lost her former harmony. All sorts of “Kryks”, “Snakes”, “Nutria”, “Piggy” or “Hippos” are no better.
Form of protection
Sometimes a husband attacks his wife with fists, and she defends herself from him by turning up her arm. For example, the same rolling pin or pan. It is difficult to condemn, although it looks similar, to put it mildly, not too beautiful.
Indeed, in this case, a woman protects herself, and, possibly, her own life. As you can see, aggression can manifest itself in different ways and with certain nuances, adjusted for a specific family.
In any case, the aggressor has a number of common features:
- considers surrounding people enemies and waits for a moment to attack. In their opinion, the best defense against the enemy is an attack,
- low self-esteem. The aggressor believes that, humiliating other people, especially close ones, he asserts himself, increases his own significance and seems to others more strongly,
- the tendency to blame others for their failures and troubles. For example, the “couch genius” believes that if it were not for the family, he would have been able to achieve much more in life. This is an elementary attempt to justify their own laziness, lack of ability and character. At the same time, he completely refuses to take responsibility for his own actions, and he is not able to calculate their consequences,
- irascibility, ability to show anger and displeasure at the slightest occasion. Here, his extreme egocentricity is manifested. The tyrant very rarely agrees to compromise.
Perhaps this suggests that coexistence with such an unpleasant personality under one roof is not an easy task. Such behavior can destroy any relationship.
How to behave with an aggressive husband: advice from psychologists
First of all, you need to be aware of the following. If a man has shown aggression at least once, it is naive to say that nothing like this will ever happen again. All his apologies and repentance are 99% false, if only because the destructive mechanism has already been launched.
We will leave one percent for those rare cases when a man had the intelligence and character to analyze his own behavior and curb himself on his own, without the intervention of other people and a professional psychologist.
Here are some tips for women, as they are most often victims in such situations:
- in no case do not tolerate and do not hope that sooner or later your spouse will "take up the mind." Moreover, seeing his impunity, the spouse-aggressor will consider his behavior permissible,
- think of children. They should not see anything like it. It is often useless to explain this to the aggressor husband. In moments of anger, he seeks only self-affirmation and he does not care who is in front of him,
- if you see that attempts to establish relationships and consultations with a psychologist did not lead to a positive result, there is only one way out - divorce. Of course, many women find thousands of reasons why this should not be done, but they gradually come to the conclusion: it is better to put an end to constant humiliation and threats.
Aggression in the family: how to eliminate the causes of outbreaks of rage in adults and children
What if one of the spouses is hot-tempered, or, in other words, angry? How to get along with such a spouse, to understand whether anger is justified or not, to overcome fear and anxiety in the family, which line of behavior to choose, tell the abbot of the church. Antipas priest Dimitri Roshchin and clinical psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences Evgenia Zotkina.
- Why does anger arise in a person? Why are some more prone to this, others less? Is it a matter of upbringing or chemical processes in the body?
Evgenia Zotkina: First, let's look at what anger is from the point of view of psychology. This is a kind of emotional state that suggests aggressiveness, bitterness. Anger is especially pronounced when a person is in a state of affect. Such a reaction can occur in a person if, in the process of activity or communication, the events occurring do not coincide with expectations. There is a negative reaction to the inability to enjoy, frustration, and aggression becomes a reaction to it.
There is open aggression and hidden aggression. In everyday life, people use open forms of aggression, such as anger.
Aggressive people are people, as a rule, with a wounded vanity, ambition, who believe that they are underestimated, have been missed something, and they deserve more and better.
There are also hidden forms of aggression:
If the child is the idol of the whole family, then a little tyrant grows out of him. He is used to the fact that his desires are always satisfied, and if he is refused, he gets angry and rolls tantrums - this is an active position.
If the child was suppressed by parents or society, he cannot splash out his aggression outside and accumulates it inside. From such a person, when he grows up, he is drawn by a vague, slurred, unspoken and very painful sensation. Often such a person begins to remember some sad stories, accidents, and in the conversation you feel negative.
In general, the modern environment and culture are very aggressive, and not only in our country, but in the whole world. Residents of big cities are constantly frustrated, many lack a calm, joyful perception of the world. Now there is a global aestheticization of evil, in our time evil is the norm.
Why are films about cops, bandits, and murders popular? People have a need to watch all these horrors. And when a person cannot correctly regulate his need for aggression, this means that he has a disturbed personality structure. Fear is a provocateur of the reaction of aggression and anger.
There is a loss of attachment, a sense of squeezing out of this world - and anger becomes a kind of deformed defensive reaction, which also manifests itself in sympathy for the aggressors. Many people admire Stalin, Hitler, Pinochet. Adoration of the aggressors is an identification with the aggressor. A person cannot resist some events in life, change some things to some extent due to social education, a person gets used to his own social helplessness and believes that nothing depends on him.
- What should a husband or wife do if the second half is often angry?
Evgenia Zotkina: In men, instrumental aggression is used to achieve the goal.
In women, aggression is expressive: she feels bad, and she begins to scream.
And if one screams, and the other suffers, then the second partner is a silent accomplice in such a relationship.
Sometimes it happens that the couple shout at each other in the morning, and in the evening they come home as if nothing had happened - no one is offended, they no longer remember what happened in the morning. If this happens and indeed no one is offended by each other, then this is not scary.
If the dishes in the house do not beat, but the wife constantly mutters and annoyingly comments on how the husband scattered his things, how he eats, how he sleeps, etc., this is hidden aggression. If a person is well with his spouse, then they are unlikely to spoil each other’s mood for such insignificant reasons - such couples intuitively protect each other. Constant dissatisfaction with a partner destroys relationships much more than some single emotional shots or outbursts of anger.
A person understands very well where and how he can behave, where he can throw out his anger, and where not. If the wife reacts to the aggressive attacks of the husband as unacceptable, and the husband cherishes the wife, he will try not to do so anymore. A person, in fact, can control a lot. A flash of anger can be extinguished, or it can be inflated. For example, at work, a person cannot show his aggression, but at home he wanted and yelled, and you are already a hero. You must always remember that a person behaves as he is allowed to behave.
Father Demetrius: First you need to talk about where this passion comes from. Anger is always generated by pride. As pride is a lie, so is anger full of lies. (The exception is "righteous anger"). All passion must be opposed to its opposite virtue.
Since the family is a single whole, if one half of the family is sick with some kind of ailment, in this case, anger, then the second half must in a special way show meekness, because meekness is the opposite of anger. And thus win, because the struggle is for the common good. This, however, applies to any family ailments - if one part is sick, the other must fight for maintaining health in this aspect, because we save each other.
But meekness can be shown for the time being. It all depends on the measure to which a person is ready to endure, on what the situation is in the family at the moment. If a person is constantly beaten and is no longer able to endure it, then he should temporarily deviate from life together and see what effect this will have. If the path to reconciliation is found, go back. And if this condition does not go away, then we need to further decide what to do with it, is it possible to stay in the family.
- If a person is aware of his aggression and suffers from it, what can he recommend?
Evgenia Zotkina: Stress and anger are very well removed by physical exertion. Anyone: walking up and down stairs, squatting, doing some physical work - and it will become easier.
In general, a healthy person is able to control his emotions. Of course, when a person is furious, deep internal work takes place inside him, it is difficult, and it is easier to shout or break something. But it is important to ask yourself the question in time: how much is the person who is in front of me really guilty of my rage? If a person learns to properly analyze his emotions, it will be easier for him to cope with them.
Father Demetrius: The main task of a person who is angry is not to let his anger out. Let him rage in him, but a person should literally bite his teeth, bite his tongue and do everything possible so that this passion does not rise. If he learns to catch these states, then with such an exercise he will be able to lower this anger deeper and deeper until he ceases to be born at all. But it is very hard. It is necessary to be attentive to oneself, to set the task of combating this passion. If a person takes care of himself in one thing, it is certain that he will take care of himself and everything else.
- If children show signs of temper, how to deal with it?
Evgenia Zotkina: Children become hot-tempered due to the strong information field, which excessively stimulates the psyche of the child. The child’s psyche does not cope with the incoming flurry of information, while the parents themselves are restless, anxious, and anxiety creates a sense of unsafe environment in the child.
There is a crisis in the family and a huge gap between generations. Parents have no time for children: they get tired at work, come home inflated, and since the children are now very active, overexcited, emotional, with increased motility, they quickly master gadgets, "shooters." The child begins to play murder and realizes that all issues can be resolved by force. Children love the one who plays with them more, and since they spend most of the time with the computer, they lose contact with their parents. Dad and mom cease to be role models and authority, they are replaced by the fruits of mass culture.
In order to prevent this situation in the family, parents should devote as much time as possible to the children, talk with them, and answer questions. The child should feel that his house is his fortress, and no matter what he does, he will always be welcomed and supported there. This is the most important thing that parents can give their child.
Father Demetrius: Using his power, forbid the child from entering an aggressive state, stop him, explain that it is wrong to stop all attempts. Isolate, put in a corner - in general, bring to life in accordance with the degree to which anger is manifested. It seems to me that children who are easily angry spied this in adults. Maybe there are some exceptions, but, as a rule, the child finds everything within the family. Therefore, you must first look at yourself.
Author Ekaterina Vorobyova
What is the behavior pattern with a husband-abuser?
A competent tactic of behavior with a husband-abuser is based on the following points:
- Do not be afraid to point out the man to his shortcomings. Most likely, he himself is far from an oligarch and not Apollo in order to demand model parameters from his wife like the notorious 90-60-90. An even wiser decision is the proposal to change for the better, but only together,
- try to analyze why your husband shows traits of a tyrant. Links to Domostroy and the wild proverb “Beats - means loves” are not suitable here,
- do not allow humiliation and, especially, assault against you. At the same time, do not force the man to do what he clearly does not want. It’s not pressure that will bring positive results, but negotiations,
- increase your self-esteem, try to be independent and self-sufficient. Manifest aggression next to such a person wants less.
Tolerate or file for divorce?
As already mentioned, you do not need to endure. It often happens that divorce is the only way out of the situation, which is usually called “stalemate”.
Let's try to figure out the reasons that keep a woman from taking a decisive step, although she herself clearly understands that she can’t continue like this:
- material dependence. Or, more simply, the fear of being left without a livelihood. Try to find a job or ask relatives for temporary financial support. The aggressor will lose its main trump card - submission with the help of money,
- fear of even greater aggression. In fact, if you stay in the family, humiliation will continue. Isn’t it better to break off relations and hide from a home tyrant so that he has “short arms” to humiliate or beat you,
- complete satisfaction with the situation. Oddly enough, there are women who like to be victims. The only thing that can be advised in this case: think about children, if you do not love yourself that way. They are not to blame for your psychological problems,
- «бьет (как вариант – ревнует), значит, любит». Эта категория жен настолько забита и обделена вниманием, что воспринимает как признак заботы даже побои. Не мешало бы знать, что любовь и уважение проявляются несколько по-иному. Во всяком случае, не при помощи кулаков,
- страх перед одиночеством. Женщина боится, что не сможет больше устроить свою жизнь и считает «какой-никакой, но все-таки мужчина рядом».If you get rid of toxic relationships, you can gain freedom of action and get a chance to build a new relationship in a different way. And fears are completely groundless,
- hopes that "he will be re-educated". The difficulty is that the man himself must want to change. And this is not always the case.
Tactics of behavior during a divorce with an aggressive husband
First of all, leave emotions (although in such a situation it is not easy) and fight for what you have the right to legally. Find a competent lawyer.
In any case, you and your husband have equal rights to children and property. A lawyer will help you with all legal formalities.
If the "former" continues to call you with threats, let him know that they do not intend to speak with him in such a way. Do not be afraid to seem rude. After all, it is about your psychological health, and not about the rules of good form.
Do not be afraid to leave all the negativity in the past. Divorce is a painful and unpleasant process, but it is a contribution to the piggy bank of your life experience. You will certainly improve your life and meet a person with whom you will be happy.
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Why is he like that?
Psychologists are still not sure which factor affects a person’s personality more - heredity or environment. With psychopaths - the same thing.
Definitely, it’s difficult to grow up as a normal person if you yourself were beaten in childhood, if you yourself were subjected to emotional and physical violence. This is the first risk factor.
The second risk factor is behavioral problems in childhood and adolescence. Even children from good families sometimes fall into "bad company." This is an accident, but it happens. In a "bad" company, a person learns how to behave, relying on strength and cruelty, how to trick and dodge. This is becoming a common way of behavior.
The third factor is the lack of love and affection in childhood. It seems like a normal family. But, as one of my clients wrote, “intelligent wars” between parents. The child grows up, not knowing how to love and value relationships.
The fourth factor is genetic predisposition. Not proven, but there is a version according to which the tendency to violence can be inherited.
After reading these factors, you yourself see that it is not at all a fact that a person will definitely grow up a psychopath. A chain of chance can lead to this disorder. Or - exacerbate it.
What NOT to do to you?
I really want to immediately save you from three mistakes. It is because of them that the Victim lives for years next to the Aggressor, suffers - but suffers.
- Do not try to fix it yourself.
No matter how strong you are. You are in the system. You can’t do anything from the inside. Only Munchausen could pull himself and his horse out of the swamp by the hair. This is a fairytale.
- Do not "open his eyes to the truth."
You think, tell him: "Yes, you obviously have a psychopathic personality disorder, you need help! ”- and he will clutch his head, cry out: “How could I not have guessed it myself!"And run to the psychologist? No, he will put more pressure on you, avenge your insult.
He himself will not recover, he needs help. He will go for help only if he becomes completely ill. And this is hardly possible, because for others, aggressors are more often seen as charismatic guys. So, even if you leave him, another “butterfly” will appear, flying to the fire of the charm of the aggressor. He will again have an “emotional nourishment”. So why should he change anything?
You need to learn how to behave with him so that minimize losses, moral and physical. I made a program for emotional confrontation with the aggressor. This program is suitable for communicating with anyone who is trying to "crush" you with words, whether it be a husband, mother or boss. More information about the program - 22-minute auto-training - here "How to repulse the aggressor husband with a quarrel?"
Also you need ongoing support other people. Of course, the best option is a psychologist. The psychologist will help not to lose self-esteem (although, more often it needs to be restored already), to understand feelings and express them, to find strength for decisive steps.
Yes, the natural development of events is to leave these relations. No matter how insulting this may sound. This does not mean that you are fleeing the battlefield. This means that you save yourself a chance for a normal life.